


Hypnotize Me For One More Step

by OwenToDawn



Series: 15 Day Lyric Challenge 2020 [4]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Black Eagles Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Post-Canon, Repression, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25992199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: After all their enemies are defeated, Hubert tries to sort out the difference between what he needs and what he wants
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Series: 15 Day Lyric Challenge 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882966
Comments: 8
Kudos: 77





	Hypnotize Me For One More Step

**Author's Note:**

> Today's fic is based on the lyric "Let me be dark/what's the use of forcing myself to be bright?/just one candle/that can't be a light for me" from Red Sun by Hangzoo feat. Swings 
> 
> I feel like many of the aspects and lyrics of this song fit Hubert so I had to write a Hubert-Centric fic based on it. The title for this fic is from the same song and is a line about hypnotizing yourself to keep moving forward when you feel like your body is giving out. I definitely play with that imagery in this fic.
> 
> I do feel bad that so many of the fics in this challenge involve Hubert but hey, I like complex characters.
> 
> Comments are loved

Hubert doesn’t understand why it’s happening now. Years of fighting in the shadows where no one can see, alone, scraping by his enemies by the skin of his teeth, rooting out every scrap of inhuman filth that tried to poison the world by poisoning his own humanity instead, and he’s been fine. But now, _now_ , he finds himself plagued by nightmares. Now, when they’re all gone, when there’s no more threat, they surge to the surface and leave him staring at the canopy of the bed he shares with Ferdinand as he tries desperately to shove the images from his mind.

It’s a blessing that he can awaken from them silently. An engrained habit, perhaps, of spending too many nights sleeping surrounded by danger. That just leads to a more traitorous thought. Perhaps this is his penance. You dance too close to the beasts, and they leave their stench on you. Perhaps with every creature he killed, it left a mark on him, sunk into his skin and corrupted his mind so that he can never be rid of them even when they’re gone. A dramatic and hysterical notion. He knows everything there is to know about their now dead enemies, and there’s nothing he can find to suggest such a thing.

Still…

In the dead of night with fear still pumping through his veins, it’s hard to push away the thought with logic and reason. For a moment, he debates turning into Ferdinand’s warmth beside him. He knows that if he wraps an arm around him, Ferdinand will turn in his sleep and envelop him like some sort of sea creature, like a moth to the proverbial flame. Ferdinand craves affection and intimacy even while unconscious. Hubert supposes he feels the same craving, he’s just much more practiced at denying it.

“I can hear you thinking, love,” Ferdinand says. “Don’t you think it’s about time you tell me what it is that keeps waking you in the middle of the night the last two weeks?”

“I…” Hubert frowns. “You knew?”

“Yes. I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want you to deny it and run off,” Ferdinand says without moving. “I hear it when you awaken. The stillness.”

And Hubert has known Ferdinand long enough now to know he’s smarter than he likes to let on, and that Ferdinand carries many a trauma that leave him vigilant to the slightest of changes even now. Even when they should both feel safe in their shared bed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ferdinand asks.

“I don’t even know much of why it’s happening myself,” Hubert says. His voice sounds strained even to his own ears.

“What is it?”

“Nightmares.”

Silence. Hubert shuts his eyes tight and tries to breathe through the humiliation that such an admission leaves him with. It’s like he’s some sort of child. After everything he’s done, and he wakes in the middle of the night like a scared child needing comfort from their mother. As if either of his parents ever provided such comfort.

“You…do not have much experience with these?”

“No, I do not,” Hubert says. “In fact I was fine until…”

“You resigned as spy master,” Ferdinand says.

Hubert nods even though in the dark, Ferdinand can’t see it. He seems to take the silence as answer enough though and a moment later he shifts in the bed to wrap an arm around his waist, soft hair spilling over Hubert’s bare shoulder as he presses close.

“In battle, there’s this thing that happens to me, and I’m sure many others. When we fight, it’s with a single-minded focus, with everything in us operating at peak speed to help keep us alive. Our reflexes, our thoughts so that we may predict and respond to changes on the battlefield, our muscles pushing far past their normal capacity,” Ferdinand says. “And after, we collapse. A fractured ankle you’ve been walking on or the broken fingers you’ve been clutching your spear with, it all comes rushing up and you have no choice but to rest because your body just can’t keep going.”

“It’s adrenaline,” Hubert says. “It keeps the pain at bay. What are you trying to say, Ferdinand?”

Ferdinand huffs, the affectionate laugh Hubert has come to recognize as a sign that Ferdinand sees right through his surly attitude and doesn’t mind brushing it aside. “I’m saying that when I leave each battlefield, it’s done. At least until the next battle. I can put down my weapons and rest. But you and Edelgard…even after the war, you couldn’t rest. Espionage is not one singular battle. It’s an endless fight that never allows a moment of rest. Is it truly a wonder to you that when you’ve finally been allowed to step back, the pain and trauma you’ve been so good at holding back comes rushing forward?”

“I haven’t held anything back,” Hubert spits, pushing himself away from Ferdinand as frustration surges through him. He waves his hand at the lamp at his bedside table, lighting it with a flare of magic before turning away and resting his feet on the floor with his elbows on his knees as he pushes his fingers through his hair. A few tugs, a few pricks of pain, and he feels steadier. “I am used to what I’ve faced. I have been since childhood. I do not need… _coddling_ , now, after everything.”

“Being used to it doesn’t mean you dealt with it,” Ferdinand says.

Hubert can hear Ferdinand move and it takes everything in him not to flinch away when Ferdinand touches his back. “I’m not a child. I do not require comfort!”

“Require it?” Ferdinand scoffs. “Of course not. You of all people do not require comfort. You’ve fought one long battle since the moment Edelgard was taken from you and patched yourself up on your own so you could keep fighting. Someone like you does not need comfort.”

“So you see my point. This is foolish. I am past the age of needing such things over something as silly as my imagination,” Hubert says.

“But do you want it?”

Hubert inhales, sharp. Does he…want…“Want what?”

"Comfort. Would you like comfort?”

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Hubert says, barely able to choke the words out.

“Hubert…you’re very strong and capable and I know that more than anyone else,” Ferdinand says. His hand slides up to squeeze, warm at Hubert’s neck. “You do not need my comfort. But if it is something you _want_ , then I am more than happy to help show you where to start.”

For a moment, Hubert almost recoils, almost knocks Ferdinand’s hand away so he can flee to a different room, sleep somewhere else, somewhere alone. Somewhere dark, away from Ferdinand’s burning and tempting light. He has shied away from such warmth and tenderness his whole life. He had to. How do you keep pushing forward into the darkness when you allow yourself to crave the light?

But…it’s done. He does not _have_ to be in the dark. Their enemies are dead and buried for good, he’s achieved the peace he’s cast everything soft and breakable within him away for. Never again will he have to shroud himself in thorns and blood and descend into that hellish place. But is there even anything left to be comforted? Has he not thrown it all away in pursuit of his goals?

“You compare me to the sun, but I do not think you realize how bright you could be if you let someone bring that flame back to life,” Ferdinand says. His lips press to Hubert’s shoulder before he rests his forehead against it instead.

“What if it’s all gone, Ferdinand? What then? If all I am is this?” Hubert asks and since when did he struggle so much just to speak?

"I’m already in love with you as you are,” Ferdinand says. “If you refuse to ever let me help you bear your burdens, I will still love you and I will never let you be alone in the darkness ever again. If you wish for us to sit in the dark together, than that is what we shall do. I am here no matter what you choose.”

“And if I do not know what I want?”

A strong arm wraps around his waist. “Then we are together until you decide. There’s no right answer here, Hubert, it’s not a trick question.”

Hubert inhales and reaches a hand out to the lamp. After a moment, he snuffs the fire out with a quick wave of his hand and plunges the room into darkness.

“Ferdinand…I believe I am quite afraid of all this,” Hubert says, flinching from how his voice cracks around the words.

“It’s okay,” Ferdinand says. “I’m right here.”

And for the first time in far too long, Hubert accepts that he is not alone.


End file.
